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Wednesday, 21 July 2010

to whom it may concern:

i don't even know what to say today other than that i was literally shaking with anger earlier. I'm sorry, but did i miss the memo about it being ok to be half an hour late to something and not inform the person you're meeting. and since i missed that one i guess i missed the one about not apologizing either. hmmm well, i'll know from now on and make sure to treat everyone else like crap. that should do wonders for my relationships. no? oh.
i don't know who i can count on.

Monday, 19 July 2010

---><---

One can't have it both ways and both ways is the only way i want it. -A.R. Ammons
This quote inspired the book I'm reading right now and it is absolutely perfect. Everyone, including me, wants everything. That's right everything. When two events conflict, we try to make it to both. When our goals are at odds with those of people around us, we try to make them happy as well as ourselves. And we always want to be able to express ourselves, but without negative consequences. We want to be able to hurt without being hurt.
We cant have it both ways and it's depressing.

Monday, 14 June 2010

Letdowns and Sundowns

So I've been on hiatus from xanga for a while with the whole school thing and I'm not really sure if I want to keep posting or not, but tonight I felt like i needed to write. So here I am.
A ton has happened since I was last here. None of it really significant enough to recap. Let's just say I experienced college. Both good and bad.
Back to the here and now though. When everyone told me that college changes people, I didn't believe them. I thought my friends would stay the same and and I would too, or at the very least we wouldn't change in opposite directions. False. We did change and I'm not sure how that's going to go this summer. They found new friends, went back to old flings and just plain left the country. My best friend pretty much replaced me...you can think I'm being crazy and jealous and whatever, but her best friend from school is moving in with her for a month...yeah I don't think I'm imagining things. As for me, I made friends but none of them close enough to see all the time and I recently discovered that I wasn't as close to some of them as I thought I was. I also feel like I became a ton more pessimistic. I don't like it at all, but i just can't see anything worth getting excited over right now. My self confidence took a lot of blows this year and there were lots of things that didn't go according to my plans. I'm not particularly passionate about school or activities that I'm in or anything else so I'm just kind of floating around. I got a job this summer which is really exciting and I still have my horses. Riding is seriously the only thing I can count on to make me happy. I don't know where I'd be without it.
Despite all of this, I'm going to try to appreciate the little things this summer. Sunsets, beaches, flowers, and any other everyday things that are beautiful no matter how people or the rest of the world are treating me.

Tuesday, 19 January 2010

Breaking Point

Everything has a breaking point right? When liquids are heated to a certain temperature they break into a boil. When enough pressure is applied to things they snap. The same ideas are relevant to people. It's amazing how much some people can take, though. I'm not sure if I admire or pity people who can withstand so much. I mean, it's fantastic that they have enough patience and inner strength to not break when other people/activities/circumstances push them. On the other hand, that has to take a toll at some point, doesn't it? Eventually, they have to snap don't they? Maybe not.
Anyway, I can't possibly tolerate this forever. I'm one of those people with never ending patience and a never ending number of chances to give. But only sometimes. Why? In other situations, I'm the first one to crack. I don't take shit from people and when something pisses me off, I fix it or ditch it. Except when it's important, when it's hurting me the most. Why can't I take a stand.
Well, because I'm afraid. I'm a freaking coward. I don't want to know that in these situations there is no way for me to win. It sucks. A lot. Nobody can fix it for me. I'm the one who has to do it. Eventually, I will. I guess I need to set a deadline, but unless I have something that makes me stick to it I won't follow it. I need to be pushed that little bit farther. I don't know what it will take, but I honestly hope it happens soon. It needs to happen. Now. Right NOW.

Wednesday, 06 January 2010

Space, Time, Eternity?

You know that "I wanna cry, but don't have a specific trigger and can't bring myself to for no reason feeling"? Yeah, thats where I'm at right now. Not to mention that my fucking roommate never leaves my fucking room so I have absolutely no privacy. Oh yeah, and her boyfriend is always here to further eliminate any illusion of my own space not to mention rubbing in the fact that I don't have anyone to come spend time with me anyway. Everything is just so draining. I'm exhausted emotionally and maybe physically, but does that mean I sleep well? Nope. I don't have time or space to myself. Ever. Horseback riding here is an obligation not an enjoyable escape. Nothing is right. Ugh. I'm not unhappy exactly, but I'm sure as hell not happy either.

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XXxx_MO_xxXX

- Name: XXxx_MO_xxXX
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 8/19/2008

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About Me

I'm me. That's how I'd like to be described, but if you want some defining characteristics here I go... *I horseback ride/foxhunt and I love it. It's a huge part of my life *My friends are amazing and I don't know what I would do without them. *I guess you could probably call me a nerd... but I'm okay with that because I'd rather be a nerd than an airhead. *A lot of things/people bother me. A few are change, hypocrites, and high school.